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Comments by YACCS
Wednesday, July 26, 2006

From Bush at the NAACP

We love the Negro

Presidential Statement

THE PRESIDENT: Wassssssup, NAACP? Yo, Yo, Yo!

AUDIENCE: (Silence.)

THE PRESIDENT: Check it out!

(Whips out pair of spoons; starts to play them against his knees)

Dem bones, dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones! (Laughs.)

Sheeeeeee-it, boys, from this here podium looking down at all that glistening Jeri Curl, it looks like an NBA game in reverse! (Laughs.)

AUDIENCE: (Silence.)

THE PRESIDENT: Anyway, thanks for having me today. I know, I know: you kept inviting me, and I kept blowing you off.

AUDIENCE: (Murmurs of Assent.)

THE PRESIDENT: Niggaz, puh-leeze. We both know if I had actually come here before the 2004 election, you black folks would have just busted my chops for the cameras so the lib media would have plenty of nasty clips to run that week. And so I made a little political gamble instead: I bet Condi a whole dollar that I could flat-out flip the bird to every other darkie in America, and still win re-selection. And I did! (Thumbs Up)

AUDIENCE: (Silence.)

THE PRESIDENT: Well, as you might have heard, things have changed for me and the GOP in the past two years. Specifically, far too many white folks seem to have acquired the uniquely Negro talent for calling bullshit on the Republican party's cheap veneer of populism and inclusiveness. So out of embarrassingly obvious pre-election desperation, I figured now's the time to come to the NAACP and extend an olive branch – or a chicken bone, as the case may be. (Produces bucket of KFC, proceeds to chuck thighs, drumsticks, wings into crowd.)

And I understand that many African Americans distrust my political party.

AUDIENCE: Yes! (Applause.)

THE PRESIDENT: They say how the GOP hasn't done squat for Negroes, unless you count free prison cells and doing away with that racist "affirmative action" stuff.

AUDIENCE: Yes! (Applause.)

THE PRESIDENT: Well guess what? It's not true. There's at least three or four other things we've done. For instance, Karl Rove gave that rich Uncle Tom Armstrong Williams a quarter million dollars to convince you people how awesomely things are going in your communities' crumbling, violent, and under-performing schools! How great is that?

AUDIENCE: (Silence.)

THE PRESIDENT: OK, then how about after Hurricane Katrina, when I sent my own momma Bar to offer moral support to all those poor homeless blacks living large at the Houston Astrodome?

AUDIENCE: (Scattered Hissing.)

THE PRESIDENT: Alright, I got it: how about when my Attorney General swept into Miami to shut down that colored terror cell that was gonna give you folks such a bad name once they finally got off their lazy welfare asses and delivered on some FBI-conceived evildoing?

AUDIENCE: (Loud Hissing.)

THE PRESIDENT: Yeesh. Tough crowd. Soooo... How about that Dr. Martin Lawrence King, Jr.? He was real important and all. Not important like a President or nothing, but they tell me you like to get reminded about him and... uhhhhh... let me check my notes here. Oh yeah, and that Rosie O'Parks lady from the bus station lunch counter, right?

AUDIENCE: (Loud Hissing.)

THE PRESIDENT: Oh for shit's sake! I can't catch a break here. Let's be honest for the briefest possible moments, OK? The GOP is ruled, run, and bought by the American South, a sensitive part of the country that is still smarting over the whole "Civil War" thing and then later, the whole "Voting Rights" deal. Old, evil habits die hard, y'know? Like how the French are all about liberty and equality but deep down they hate the fuck out of hook-nose Jews and A-rabs? Same thing.

So just hear me out, y'hear? Hear me out and maybe I can prove how inside, we're all green. Otherwise, next time flood waters, terrorist bombs, or CIA-grade crack cocaine flood the trash-strewn ghettos of Negroburg, FEMA really won't show up. At all.

Hear me? Good. So let's cut to the chase: Look around this room, and what do you see? Only the most richest and most fabulous coloreds in America, right? And you KNOW that you people are about as representative of regular black folk as my lilly-white Skull & Bones brothers are of your typical piss-ignorant red state crackers. The difference is that you actually bother to pretend like you care about your race's lower-classed losers, while we treat ours like shit, but scare them into voting for us by painting super-spooky portraits of bridezilla homos and crack-addled, hubcap-stealing nigras buying houses nextdoor and– oh, wait, forget that last part.

For the record, there's a List of Racial Importance I hold to fast. And you blackoids are at the top! Because y'all didn't want to come here, but you did. And hundreds of years later that barbaric investment on our part paid off – and I'm talking Motown! After you are the Hispano-Ricans, who actually do some work. Then come the lesser brown people who drive cabs, and sell cigarettes, and fix computers. Then we got Injuns, without whom the midwest's oldsters would have nowhere to go to gamble their Social Security checks. Then there are some folk I don't even KNOW about. Then the Asians, who are like short, hairless Jews.

Anyways, here's the take-away: you may not believe it, but there IS room for coloreds in the Republican party. That's because t he GOP has one PRIMARY value that trumps all of its lesser values like racism, xenophobia, quasi-fascism, and hubris – and my ghetto-fabulous friends, that value is GREED. And since you all are RICH, that means that just like every white rich person, your number one priority is to get RICHER.

So vote GOP in November. You're in the right income bracket, and if there's one thing in America that I've made sure is truly color blind, it's a tax return. (Winks.)

AUDIENCE: Wild applause.

posted by Steve @ 7:24:00 AM

7:24:00 AM

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