You gotta love the cosmopolitan parochialism of New Yorkers, so smug in their Steinbergian view of the world.
Preaching the inevitability of the New American Century, the neo-cons forgot the warning of Yogi Berra, the great Yankees philosopher, "In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is."
The last time Bill Kristol was on Comedy Central, he was doing victory laps. He even went slumming and appeared on The Daily Show. Taunting Jon Stewart, he smirked, "It's not too late to join us."
Then the wheels came off...
The war went into extra innings and the peripatetic cheerleader of the triumphalist march to the Tigris hunkered down on FOX. As time passed, he gamely tried to explain with increasing discomfort to an ever-shrinking audience of true believers how the best laid plans of mice and men oft gangly go awry. You could tell his heart wasn't in it.
Things went from bad to worse. The magic number of 3 dollars hit people in the face with more force than 300 Billion dollars. The mood of the crowd started to get ugly. Knowing a good offense was the best defense, Kristol decided to take the fight to the opposition's lair. One thing was certain; Kristol really should have had a few warm up fights before getting into the ring with Colbert.
Colbert entered the ring pumped with the enthusiasm he gleans from his audience. Kristol grinned gamely, but his eyes betrayed the glint of a deer searching for the source of that manly fragrance called "Scorn." He hugged the table like a girl who needed to go potty and wrapping himself in a defensive ball that screamed, "Don't hurt me!"
Colbert settled in and sized him up. Kristol came out strong trying to deflect any attack by preemptively taking credit for what will likely be a great performance by Stephen this Saturday night. Stephen stopped him dead in his tracks with a straight to the face.
Kristol rocked back on his heels a bit dazed at how badly his joke had backfired. Colbert laid into him..."How's that New American Century," he asked with all the sadistic glee of Edward G. Robinson asking, "Where's your God now, Moses?"
Unprepared for the frontal assault, Kristol stumbled, fumbled, and clutched the table to keep from sliding into oblivion. You could hear the little voice in his head screaming, "Help meeeeeee!" He took a standing eight count and wobbled back to the fray, realizing that he had sadly misread the situation, confusing his opponent for a friend.
In his confusion he blurted out "We can't let dictators kill their own people." The crowd waited for Colbert's response. Would he go nuts and suggest we demand dictators only kill people outside their country? Instead he hit him with a vicious flurry of probing questions ending with a hefty jab, "Where do we invade next?" He leaned back out of range and watched Kristol swing at air and lose his balance. Colbert put him in a head lock and made Kristol inhale the musky scent of Scorn, simply saying "I'm going to hold you to that," before letting him go.
Kristol fell to the mat. As he got up, Stephen pummeled him with a blurry flurry of jabs. What about boots on the ground? Who do we invade next? What about Iran? What about nuking someone?
Kristol went to one knee and cried "No mas!" Stephen clocked him with a right hook, "The best possible way to show them nuclear weapons are not what they want is to give them one." Kristol tried to absorb the double entendre but fell over. Stephen smirked and went to a neutral corner.
Realizing he had this fight won, Colbert started to toy with Kristol. He leaned against the ropes and let Kristol throw all the standard punches, "Iraq will be better", "poor execution but right strategy", "we will prevail", whoosh...Kristol was hitting nothing but thought he was scoring. Stephen peeked out from behind his gloves and taunted him like Ali taunted Frazier with "You're preaching to the choir." Kristol thought it was an opening and took the bait. He replied, "That's the best kind of audience." BOOM...Colbert unleashed a vicious inside uppercut. "Don't turn your back on them, they're likely to put a shiv in ya," he chortled.
A few more jabs and then Colbert hit Kristol with a combo that first confused him into treating Rumsfeld like senators treat Abramoff. Colbert answered with a stinging jab "That's like ratting out a frat brother!" Stephen circled to the right and caught Kristol stunned and flat-footed with a right hook to the body. "Why is everyone turning on the president?" he asked. Pressing the advantage, he got Kristol to open up and admit he had called Bush incompetent. Stephen finished the combo with a strong right cross to the head, hitting him full in the face with "Do you support the president?"
Kristol blindly responded in the affirmative and Stephen hit him with a straight right to the midsection. "That's like saying, `Honey I hit you cause I love you...'" The crowd went wild!!! Dazed and confused, Kristol reached for the ropes and threw a low blow, "Sometimes that's true..." The crowd boooed... Kristol sheepishly admitted he doesn't really beat his wife. But the red in his face betrayed his thoughts. Hope you picked up some flowers on the way home, pal.
Stephen danced around a bit and started working the body. "Where are you going to get the troops?" "Do you favor a draft?" Kristol slipped the first few punches and says he doesn't. Stephen slipped inside...got Kristol to admit he was draft age in 1972,was in the lottery for a year, but after Nixon got rid of the draft he didn't volunteer. Stephen does a quick head fake, and tags Kristol while he is backing up! "Great Man." Kristol doesn't even realize what hit him , but the crowd sees it and loves it.
Having shown complete mastery over his opponent, Stephen settled back and just kept putting a glove out ...testing his range but not really swinging. "How do we turn public perceptions around?" Kristol replied with a bunch of half-hearted lines, but didn't even try to defend himself when Stephen said, "Winning in Iraq is easy...what else?"
Realizing that Kristol was about to fall over, he tossed an obvious setup, "How many seats will the Republicans win in 2006?" Kristol said Democrats will take the House and the crowd went wild! He stumbled forward trying to tie Stephen up with the notion that Democrats in control of the House in 2007 will be great for Republicans in 2008, but Stephen decided to run out the clock and invite him back for another round.
Stephen's no fool. Everyone knows the real money is in the re-match.
Think I made this up? Don't take my word for it, see for yourself.