I have achieved true happiness.
I have fulfilled my true duty in life.
I have reached my full potential as a human being.
I have become sexually involved as a minor with a child molester from the Department of Homeland Security.
Lately, I had become increasingly upset about having to spend my time in high school. Why should I be required to go to school? I'm a female. Everybody knows that educating women is a waste of time. It distracts from our real purpose in the world: to be forced into unwanted pregnancies. My mean high school teacher kept trying to make me learn math and science, which was just too hard for my female brain to understand. Besides, some group of evil homos had just started an after-school Gay Recruiting Center club.
Needless to say, I was fed up. I went home every night to dream about being married to a strong, powerful man who could protect me from all of the corrupting influences in the world. I wanted to be married so I could cook, clean, and have children. But most of all, I wanted to be married so I could sexually gratify my hardworking husband. I knew my place in the world.
Still, I was distressed. Having just recently turned fifteen, it seemed I would have to wait years before I could honorably fulfill my obligations to the male gender. Then, God sent me a chance to serve mankind, in the form of Republican perverts.
We all know that rightwing pedophiles are about a dime a dozen these days. There's one here. And here. And here. And a whole crapload of them here.
When I discovered this, it was an answer to my prayers. I could find a man to obey and pleasure without having to wait all those years sitting in a classroom! But after I heard about the case of Brian Doyle, I was worried. He had solicited sex from an alleged fourteen year-old girl. If there's one thing I know to be true, it is that women who wait too long before getting married become old maids who no men ever want. I had recently turned fifteen. Was I already too old? Did strong, Republican men only want the cute, young, fourteen- and even eight-year-olds?
Luckily, makeup and hair dye helped take years off my face. Being careful not to draw too much attention to myself (remember, females should never draw any attention to themselves) I started hanging around my local Department of Homeland Security headquarters. And what do you know? A DHS official asked me for sex! This was what I had been dreaming of.
And yet, something in me hesitated. I had learned that sex outside of marriage was evil, evil, evil. I had been taught that Jesus wanted me to keep my legs crossed. I had made a solemn vow that I would practice abstinence until I was married. I had learned that it was immoral for me as a female to ever want sex, even after marriage. Sex existed for the enjoyment of men, and men alone.
Then I realized- that was what made this okay! He, a pure Republican man, was asking me for sex. Who was I, a weak, ignorant woman, to question the judgment of a powerful Christian male? Being the good, moral girl that I am, I do everything males tell me to do.
Besides, the DHS official was working to fight the War on Terror. He was giving everything he had in the battle between good and evil. He must have needed sex with a minor to give him strength to continue the fight. A refusal to give it to him would provide aid and comfort to the enemy.
If I didn't let that DHS official molest me, then I was letting the terrorists win.
Now the DHS official and I have been involved for a month. Never have I been so happy. I am helping my country win the war on terror and supporting our troops by doing the one thing women can do: have sex.
I have also never felt so safe. I never have to think or make any of my own decisions so long as I have the right wing to protect me in its paternalistic glory. The patriarchy wiretaps my phones, searches my home, and sexually abuses me. They always know what's best for me. Yes, they may have robbed me of my Constitutional rights, but I know they did it for my own good. Besides, what other rights could a female want besides the rights to pump out babies and bake shit?
I will admit, sometimes I feel guilty about violating that vow of chastity. But then I think of what could happen if that DHS official didn't have me there to prey upon. Would his sperm, his poor, innocent, sperm end up murdered/masturbated away? Every sperm is sacred. It is much better for sperm go toward sexually assaulting young girls than for their lives to tragically end as a result of masturbation. That, my friends, is truly unethical.
I know some of you liberals and feminists would tell me that having sex with a forty-year-old while I'm still in high school is unhealthy, unsafe, and illegal, among many other things. You would tell me that I need to stop letting myself be victimized and turn in the molester. You would tell me that pedophilia is not just disgustingly wrong but mentally devastating, and that I should get counseling.
But I know that you are all ugly, unmarried prudish old maids who could never get a man and are jealous that I found one while still so young, or are wussy, feminine, liberal men who don't know how to take full advantage of a woman's sexuality. Besides, you're all gay.
And there is one effect of Republican pedophilia that even you progressives would support. Prior to being molested, I was a young, religious virgin who was saving herself for marriage. Now, if anything the DHS official has done to me qualifies as "brutal rape, sodomy as bad as you can possibly make it," then Senator Bill Napoli of South Dakota says I can have my abortion rights back!
Not that I'd want them anyways.