As a public high school freshman, my health class just finished its sex unit. (They always teach it in the spring. They think it's cute or something.) Granted, this was the fifth time I had taken a school health class, but in fifth grade and middle school, the focus is less on actual sexual behavior and health, and more on anatomy. (Remember those fun diagrams? Locate the vas deferens, identify in the epididymis, shade in the cervix. Noticeably missing: the clitoris.)
But by high school, the school board realizes that a more comprehensive class emphasizing student behavior is necessary. And, after completing that course, I can only say, thank God for abstinence-only sex education.
You see, prior to this class, I identified as one of those man-hating, fire-breathing, NOW card-carrying, lesbian, feministas who got accurate sexual information from Planned Parenthood Online and Ms. Magazine. But following its completion, I have transformed into a pure, heterosexual socially submissive virgin. I never, ever, ever, have sexual urges and know that they won't kick in until after I have marched down the aisle in virginal white, been given away by my father, and married a man who I will obey and serve.
Now I only hope that you all can see the error of your ways and revoke the false liberal mindsets you insist on propagating. After all, it was your public tax dollars that made me this way. I've heard horror stories about school districts on the East and West coast that describe "alternative lifestyles" and even- gasp!- hand out condoms. Where I come from, in rural northern Michigan, we teach our kids right. I am trying to save you by offering a chance to come over to our side. So here, I offer you the abbreviated version of my sex education class. Read and be enlightened.
"The only 100% effective birth control is abstinence."
This one came as news to me: I had though that you could not get pregnant from homosexual intercourse. But, after learning that, I realized that it was still totally possible for an egg to be fertilized in the process of lesbian (or gay male) sex. I wasn't sure how, but I knew there must be a way. That nagging in the back of my mind was
probably just a remnant of my brainwashing by the liberal media.
"The only sexual behavior that anybody ever engages in occurs between a male and a female."
I know some of you might read that and think it unrealistic to ignore homosexual education: after all, don't gays need to learn about how to be safe in their practices? If they don't learn at school, won't that just encourage misinformation and unsafe behavior? I can tell you that is absolutely untrue. After learning that sex occurred between males and females, I stopped being a lesbian. You know, segments of society disappear when you ignore them long enough.
"Males have a natural, uncontrollable desire for sex due to testosterone. However, since abstinence until marriage is the only acceptable sexual practice, it is up to females to postpone sex by politely refusing boys' sexual proposals."
It turns out that boys have absolutely no control over their sexual actions. Their hormones make it inevitable that they will try to get a girl alone in a bedroom at a party. This is why it is so important to drill the message of abstinence into girls' heads. They need to avoid situations where sexually active males may notice them. If girls don't walk down the hallways with their head down and eyes to the floor, preferably covered in a burka, they're destined to underage sex, whether or not they want it. After all, abstinence-only education is really just for the ladies. It turns out that it really doesn't two people to have intercourse.
"Young people should ask their parents' opinions on whether it is acceptable for girls to ask guys out."
Everybody knows that it would be vulgar and unseemly for any girl to ever ask out a guy. We don't want it to seem like females actually have voices, or worse yet, minds capable of discerning preference! Just as in abortion, or just about any other topic, men should make decisions for women. If we go worrying our pretty little heads too much, we'll hurt ourselves. That's why I asked my dad's permission before posting this. I fully embrace the patriarchy.
"'Virgin' means pure, chaste female."
The oh-so-helpful FAQs section of my health book asked the question: "Are boys who abstain considered virgins?" It went on to answer that although the term generally refers to females, changing cultural norms have seen it being applied to males more often. I know what they meant by "changing cultural norms"- the disgusting loss of American morals encouraged by the vast, liberal, feminist, media conspiracy. We all know the truth: virginity is important so that the bride will be pure for her husband on her wedding night. Dudes are free to sleep around. (The same section of my book also offered this: "Does using tampons cause girls to lose their virginity?" It seems there are very few things more valuable these days than an unbroken hymen.)
"Male latex condoms are the only birth control."
Our sex education curriculum identifies one form of birth control: the male condom. My teacher is a male gym teacher who cares primarily about football, spends all of gym class staring at girls in their gym shorts, is by any count the most sexist person on staff, and has the lucky honor to educate the future generation about sex. At one point during class, some evil, impure, feminist DailyKos reader (it couldn't have been me, I swear) raised her hand and asked the teacher if there were any other birth control methods. His response: "Other methods are all mostly outdated or illegal." You heard that right, users of the Pill, female condom, shot, patch, NuvaRing, or diaphragm: the birth control Secret Police are coming to raid your home of those illegal substances.
"Male condoms break, tear, or are used incorrectly 65% of the time. Of the times they are used correctly, they are 0% effective at preventing HPV and genital warts, 3% effective at preventing Chlamydia, 13% effective at preventing gonorrhea, 20% effective at preventing herpes, and 50% effective at preventing HIV infection."
In the end, anyone and everyone who has sex outside of marriage will be infected with an STD (preferably a deadly one.) This point was driven home by my teacher ranting in front of the class about how society misleads us into thinking that using condoms means safer sex. (This was after he misspelled the words Chlamydia and gonorrhea on the whiteboard. I'm starting to look to him as a role model.) Anyways, this news really worried me. You see, after I stopped being a lesbian, part of me wanted to start having sex with boys. So, after learning that condom effectiveness is a lie propagated by the liberal media, I decided that if I ever do break my vows of chastity, I won't use a condom. I think that will turn out reasonably well, don't you?
"Marriage magically protects females from STD infection."
We got to learn this one with a great demonstration. The teacher holds up a thin, wet, sponge: this represents the female cervix prior to age 21, when it is not fully developed. Then, he holds up a thick, dry sponge: this represents the female cervix after 21. He dips the first one into a bowl of dirt, representing STDs. Guess what? Dirt sticks to wet sponge! Then, he dips the second, dry sponge in. When little dirt sticks to it, I, using my rationalizing thought processes that I know I shouldn't have as a female, thought this demonstration showed that sex prior to age 21 puts you at higher risk for STDs. But my sex ed. teacher totally knows better than me. He explained that this showed why waiting until marriage is the best choice. Then I realized: he must have misspoke before. The cervix doesn't fully develop when you turn 21. It fully develops when you get married! That makes sense now.
"Every pregnancy ever conceived is carried to term."
In class, we read plenty of these helpful anecdotes: Bob and Susie are in high school. Bob and Susie have sex. Susie gets pregnant. Bob drops out of high school to get a job. Susie drops out of high school to raise the baby. It never occurs to either of them that maybe Susie wants to consider having her pregnancy terminated. This is because Bob and Susie's high school sex education class didn't teach them that abortion was a possible alternative. Therefore, they didn't know it existed. Similarly, my sex ed. class never taught me about abortion, so I don't know it exists, either. On the first day of class, our teacher passed out "Abstinence Pledges" to every student, stating "I promise myself that I will never have sex until after I am married." We were told that we could do whatever we wanted with our pledges, but we were encouraged to sign them and keep them at home in a visible place, so that every day we were reminded to make good choices. At that time, I threw my pledge in the recycling bin on the way out of class. When 62% of high school seniors report having had intercourse, I figured that it was another stupid spread of misinformation. Besides, so long as I was denied the right to marry someone I loved, (Michigan's state constitution defines marriage as a union between a man and a woman) how could I ever wait for marriage? Barring a move to Massachusetts or Vermont, it seemed that any sexual activity in my life would never be sanctioned by marriage.
But now I realize the error in my ways. I went back and asked my teacher for a second Pledge; it seemed I had misplaced my first. I am now proud to say I fully believe in abstinence-only policy. I just needed to put your faith in myths, lies, stereotypes, and discrimination. You should, too. You are so damn lucky