Going down

Go down, young men!
Sexologist Ian Kerner talks to Salon about his new book, "She Comes First," and why the well-trained tongue is mightier than the "sword."

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By Corrie Pikul

June 2, 2004  |  In contrast to the hordes of Viagra fans who battle nightly with erectile dysfunction, sexologist and author Ian Kerner once considered himself a "sexual cripple" of a different sort. It wasn't getting it up that troubled him -- it was sustaining sexual enthusiasm long enough to please his partner (and himself). Starting in adolescence and persisting throughout his 20s and early 30s, Kerner struggled with premature ejaculation. The mere sight of a woman's naked body could make Kerner lose control, and as he put it, "foreplay quickly led to the end of play."

Today, a happily married Kerner is relatively free from premature-ejaculation problems; in fact, he has taken the pressure off his penis completely. Armed with a doctorate in clinical sexology, Kerner has devoted his life to the study and practice of good sex. And awkward as it may sound, Kerner credits his success at home and at work to cunnilingus. Going down helped Ian Kerner get back on top.

But Kerner isn't keeping his sex tips to himself. In an effort to educate men and women about female sexual response, Kerner has written "She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman."

You know those big illustrated charts that hang on the wall of the gynecologist's examination room, the ones with the detailed cross-section of women's sexual anatomy? "She Comes First" is like the audio track to those charts, as narrated by an everymanish Tom Hanks type. This straightforward guide to cunnilingus explains everything from odor to orgasms with earnest, educated wit. And while the vulva-savvy woman may already know that "the female orgasm is a complicated affair ... requiring persistent stimulation, concentration, and relaxation," there are few men that wouldn't benefit from the female-centric philosophy and techniques that Kerner advocates.

Kerner hopes that "She Comes First" will lead to the "next sexual revolution" and pave the way for a sexual world where cunnilingus is not considered foreplay, but recognized as "coreplay" that eventually culminates in orgasm. For all its earnestness, the book lacks the fire to ignite a true revolution, but it certainly provides a blueprint for a new model of female-centric sexual play.

Salon met with Kerner at a cozy teahouse in New York, where a flash rainstorm fortunately drowned out much of our conversation -- at least to the ears of the curious patrons seated nearby.

How do you think readers will react to the fact that you're male? Have you gotten a lot of "What do you know about the female orgasm?"

There is really a lack of understanding in female sexual response in this culture, and a greater understanding of male sexual response. My perspective is that female sexuality is just as understandable, and can be navigated just as consistently, as male sexuality -- if we choose to.

How would you suggest that men "get to know" women -- their bodies, their sexuality?

We can learn a lot simply from learning about and practicing techniques. I'm trying to educate men about the female sexual anatomy and how to attune themselves more effectively to female sexual response. It's amazing to me that even with all the scientific biological knowledge about female sexual anatomy that we have today, we are still having the clitoral vs. vaginal orgasm debate. That really stems back to the legacy of Freud and his interest in vanquishing the clitoris in order to promote his own theories and ideas about sexuality, which really ran counter to a lot of the biological information we had at that time. That legacy is somewhat firmly ensconced in our culture even in light of the sexual revolution, even in light of feminist sexual understanding.

Sure, but no matter how much a man educates himself or learns techniques, he can never really understand what a female orgasm actually feels like. What kind of research is the book based on?

The book is based on three dimensions: the first is my own personal experience -- my own personal battles with sexual dysfunction and my own desire to understand female sexual response. So that dimension is rather subjective, because in the end I'm just one person, one man. The second dimension is based on my clinical work with couples to help them resolve sexual issues in their relationship. The third level was the research that I did, which included a lot of primary surveys, interviewing people frankly and honestly about their sexual experiences, desires and attitudes. I talked to about a hundred people.

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Speaking of those routines, were they your own? How did you come up with them?

The routines explained in the book are based on techniques that have been proven to help a woman consistently experience an orgasm, whether it's a result of intercourse or different forms of stimulation. Of course, I also rely on my own experience. In addition, I spoke to a lot of women about what works and what doesn't work for them. That helped me get into the mindset of a woman, which you were asking about earlier.

Did you speak with any lesbians about cunnilingus? Girl-girl sex doesn't really come up in the book.

No, it doesn't come up. Frankly, a lot of sex books that are written from a bisexual or lesbian or alternative perspective face the danger that they may alienate the average heterosexual guy or the average heterosexual couple. I was really conscious of bringing my message to mainstream America. There are already books out there, written by women, that deal with cunnilingus: "The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus: How to Go Down on a Woman and Give Her Exquisite Pleasure," by Violet Blue; "Box Lunch: The Layperson's Guide to Cunnilingus," by Diana Cage, coming out later this summer. I am a straight man and I deal clinically with straight couples. I think if this book were written from an alternative viewpoint, it might give men an excuse not to read it or not to take it seriously.

Where do you think men go to get useful information and instruction about sex today?

A lot of men like to read women's magazines like Cosmopolitan and Jane for sex advice because they feel that many of the men's magazines are too glib, too lad-oriented. With Maxim, for example, you often get five or 10 tips that are more funny than practical and truly useful.

Many men get their advice -- unfortunately, in my opinion-- from porn, which just reinforces a lot of false conceptions about female sexuality. And a lot of information comes from the locker room, which has more to do with myth making and tall tales than reality. From the research I've done in this area, women are much more likely to talk to other women about sexuality and sexual techniques -- siblings and other family members -- whereas men are not.

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So what's filling that "Advisor" role now?

Well, a couple of things. In the spirit of "Sex and the City," there is in general a spirit of female sexual entitlement, and that is leading to a new generation of female-centric porn, magazines like Sweet Action, organizations like Cake that sponsor female-oriented pleasure parties, the Suicide Girls, so I think there is more of those sorts of things going on that are starting to fill the gap.

When I wrote on NetSlaves, there was a guy, an Air Force officer, who said he didn't go down on women. We all kind of told him: "You're not fucking Thai whores, you have to go down on women. I was told by a woman I wound up dating that when she read that, she would have cut him loose the minute he refused to go down on her hey nanny nanny. She didn't use that word, but it amuses me.

The author is totally whipped. Cake is more like a female-oriented strip club than empowering. No, I haven't been invited to go, but I know people who have. There's a whole sort of lavish female sex thing going on, and frankly, it reeks of trying too hard. I mean, dildos this, vibrators that. Hell, I have nothing against them, but you know, I don't make a fetish of my right hand.

Occassionally, when people bitch about me writing about sex, they accuse me of being conventional. Well, to be honest, I am conventional. I watch football, like bars and believe people should actually get married before they have kids. Things like Cake and sex parties are fun, I'd be a pretty twisted, like a Republican sex fiend, if I denied that, but intimacy is more fun. There's a level of exhibitionism in those places which goes against my grain. It's like going to see the Yankees. I can enjoy the Yankees losing, but I'm happier seeing the Mets win.

But the author, who seems to define sexuality fairly narrowly, makes a great point., Men listen to their heads, not other people, when it comes to sex. Men only share sexual secrets among their closest friends, They don't sit down at a bar and talk about vaginal tightness. It's deemed uncouth and rude. There is a premium on men being discreet. Which is why porn so predominates the way men see sex. Porn is the external imagination of men. Which isn't healthy or wise.

Now, since we're all adults here, I'll freely admit I like cunnilingus. What I don't think guys get, and it is something this author stresses, is that many women do not orgasm with vaginal-penile sex. They may like it, but it isn't going to get them off they way they want to get off. Some women tolerate no oral sex, even though it is one of the few ways many women can orgasm

Only a very small percentage of women have a physical reason why they can't achieve orgasm. However, 10 to 15 per cent of women have never achieved orgasm - and only 25 per cent of women achieve orgasm from penetration alone. Additionally, a third to half of women experience orgasm infrequently, so you are by no means alone.

The most common reason for Anorgasmia (not achieving orgasm) is performance anxiety. Is there any reason why you may feel uncomforatble about sex, be it being told as a child that it was dirty or some unpleasant sexual experience? If so, it may be worth seeking some form of counselling. It may be embarrassing but there's no stigma attached to seeking help nowadays; a huge amount of people undergo counselling at some stage in their lives.

So with this knowledge, that your partner is likely to have orgasm issues, it is important that she has an orgasm through oral sex or whatever works. A reluctance to go down on women is pure selfishness. Men usually have orgasms during sex. Knowing women have issues, you have to deal with them, not only because the idea is to give your partner pleasure, but because it is the only way to have a decent sex life,

posted by Steve @ 3:41:00 PM